Unresolved conjectures

I was writing this morning when the urge to pick up a mathematics text came over me. I almost did it. Maybe, I will before the day is over.

I have never correctly identified my continuing fascination with mathematics. I certainly don’t use it for anything. The challenge of learning some new math isn’t always pleasant. Understanding a new math theorem can take a long time, and even then I wonder if I understand it.

The only reason for the fascination must arise from the beauty and mystery of math–the two joined together. Some people see math as ugly and something to be learned and discarded once out of school. Some lucky people have an aesthetic sense for the subject. They internalize math and make it their own.

V combines beauty and mystery for me. I feel as if I can see beauty in her that no one else can. I want to possess her that way–inside me, where nobody else can see, my most private and significant place. Don’t get me wrong. The pleasure I have when I am with her astounds me. But if that is all it was, I doubt I would feel the way I do about her. I could study her mysteriousness forever and not discover the end of it; it’s infinite. I like gazing upon people and things who have this mysterious quality to them. Conjectures I can never resolve tempt me most. I desire the impossible. The desire magically fulfills me anyway.

In a world where everything has an end, knowing the infinite seems out of place and improbable. V is like that for me too. She is a reality I never would have imagined or discovered if I had not stumbled on it by blind chance. I have never gone looking for love. Love happens to me. I’ve been lucky too. I have had a lot of chances with good women, yet screwed it up. I have never been in love with a woman who was not worth it and who I was not worthy.

I like the secret things that transpire between two people–the code words, the gaze, the kiss, and the caress. As hard as one might objectively study what goes on between two people, we never get to the bottom of it when viewing it from nowhere. Desire and possession own their privacy at times.

I’ll go to my grave not knowing much about what I have always cared about most. I will die happy. I have traveled on journeys that pleased me and filled me to the brim. If my time with V ends tomorrow, the short time I spent with her would still be my best journey.

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Published in: on February 27, 2008 at 12:29 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This is so well worded. Maths in a pure sense is beautiful..

  2. sugali,

    Thank you.


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