A note on conundrums

Back home after spending a very special and somewhat crazy night with V, I feel attractive. Why not? If she wants me, I must have some redeeming value.

I smoke and meditate on our agreement. It comes in part A and part B.

Part A: We’ll love each other and have fun no matter the difference in our ages and what people think.

Part B: We’ll see other people if we want and neither one of us will make demands or ask questions. I cannot make demands or be jealous because my romance is doomed from the start. She should be meeting a proper man her age. The right man won’t be exactly like me, but he’ll be as good in a different way. Any man who meets her and is not immediately smitten by her is too stupid to have her in the first place. Last fall B. told me there were plenty of women dying to meet a man like me, and I should not get my heart broken. She’s right. I have met some dying to see more of me. On nights when V decides to spend her time with someone else, I will inevitably seek consolation and comfort. It’s not fair to the woman I’ll be with because I will be thinking of V instead. However, the area between consolation and desire is gray and murky anyway. We all tend to use each other for consolation sometimes.

I have noticed I almost fit into my clothes again. I have not been dieting or exercising. I suspect some unconscious process triggered by love has caused it. I wonder what other unconscious processes are at work I have not discovered.

At any rate, the journey with V has just begun. If it is anything like the past month, I am in for the time of my life. I’ll love her madly and everything else be damned.

Published in: on February 28, 2008 at 1:02 pm  Leave a Comment  

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