Expectations be damned

She makes me too happy. That scares me. Whenever I get too happy, something goes wrong. Like the times my father went to jail because of his drinking problem. Or the time he died just when things were starting to go well. Damn him.

Then there was the two week vacation in Costa Rica I bought for B. and me. When we got there, I quickly realized she no longer loved me as she did before. She would not admit it though. Why she needed to be so dishonest about the obvious still mystifies me. She could not have been so obtuse not to see the damage was already done and my feelings could not be spared.

I learned to set low expectations for happiness from my father. I did alright despite that. Some of the joys of life were too delicious to pass up. Right now, she’s one of them.

So what if she leaves me? I drafted a poem yesterday. I can’t wait to look at it again someday when I no longer recognize it as mine. I’ll tinker with it then. I’ll be happy in a world of my creation if only for a little while. I’ll recall the poem was written during those wonderful days when she loved me and no other.

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Published in: on May 28, 2008 at 10:06 am  Leave a Comment  

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