A long bout of sanity?

V leaves my apartment this morning. The loneliness hits first after she is gone. Then I think about the things I should accomplish today at the expense of writing, which I vowed to do none of anyway.

The guilt accumulates as I start on some mundane tasks. I sit down and write 1,000 abysmally terrible words, words too embarrassing to exist without being erased and forgotten. I keep them if only to shame myself later about my laziness. I write just to say I did something other than nothing.

The construction noise begins–pounding from the new high rises going up across the street and jacket hammering coming from I know not where. I realize I cannot work here even if I wanted, so the 1,000 fucking shitty words I wrote do not matter.

I should have written 14 lines of poetry trying to resemble a wannabe sonnet. The futility and loneliness would still be there after I finished, but it’s only 14 fucking shitty lines instead of 1,000 fucking shitty words. The less time wasted failing, the better.

This day will end in a miracle. My ugly mood will disappear. I’ll feel the warmth of the day and eventually walk out into the world to find the company of friends who live in a small drinking society with me.

Yet the residue of this moment will remain like a bad taste in my mouth. I’ll sit alone in the dark tonight after drinking and wonder whether this meaningless existence will end with a long bout of sanity or continue until oblivion.

Published in: on June 2, 2008 at 1:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

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