Dreams, pain, and damage

I’ve had these recurring dreams since I met V. In my dreams I am continually trying to find her. When I catch up with her, she disappears. As I mentioned early this morning, I could not sleep last night. I finally managed to drop off for two hours sleep. I had my most vivid dream of V ever. I was searching for her, but this time when I found her she did not disappear. She stood before me bathed in sunlight and more beautiful than I ever imagined a woman could be.

My dreams, I either don’t have them often, or don’t remember them at all, seldom synchronize with my desires. They exploit my fears, or they envision a happiness too good to ever come true. I am not tempted to reflect long today about my dreams based on my reading of Freud or other scientific literature. I would rather make my own call.

I spend a lot of my time during the day dreaming, drifting, and indulging in wistful thinking. Even at the worst moments, I try to control a world I make my own. At night though, the dreams are all too often nightmares or at the borderline of nightmares. I don’t claim that my daytime reveries crowd out nighttime dreams, but it is a relief that I don’t dream at night if the dreams will be mostly troubling.

My bad dreams refresh me more than my good dreams. There is nothing like a bad dream to make me feel more refreshed in the morning than usual. Still, I can live with the fatigue at the expensive of a bad dream.

On the really bad days though, I cannot drift and dream at will if at all. I live in a nightmare from which it seems I will never wake. If there was a Hell, maybe that is what it would be like–one long continuous eternal nightmare.

I have a feeling these somber thoughts will not release me today. I must get out of here soon. The construction noise is beginning in the neighborhood. Today it is more taunting than usual. This is a day for reading about the exotic and the ordinary with attached commentary about events, people, and places. Herodotus seems as if he might do the trick for me.

I have it good. I am unfettered from normal work and family contact. I can escape by myself and don’t have to carry my burdens in front of people all day. One might even consider that the ultimate luxury. As far as mental health goes, it counts as premium medical care.

Most of all, this a day to reflect about the pain I have caused and damage I have done. After all, we create our own nightmares, for they seldom come unbidden.

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Published in: on June 24, 2008 at 9:08 am  Leave a Comment  

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