Events and their location

A man stands on his balcony in the building across the street.  He brushes his teeth.  Why do I care to write about it?  I blame Murakami.  Small events take on significance.

In what world did I awake today?

Published in: on October 26, 2011 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

Desire or lack thereof

So fucking awesomely bored–maybe, that’s why I spend 10 to 12 hours each day writing a stupid geometry book. (And you’ve to get up early in the morning to do that.)

But I like it. At one point in my dismal life, it was a dream.

Down the road

On this solitary afternoon, in a fit of madness or stupidity, I thought about taking one more run at mathematical logic and mathematical philosophy just to meditate on it in general one more time before I die–just to get a little bit farther down the road.

Published in: on December 13, 2009 at 5:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

Drawings and the future

I spent the afternoon sitting in a corner at Pippin’s drawing diagrams on the computer for my geometry book.  At first, it was drudgery, but then my mind wandered off the task at hand.  The diagrams started to look pretty.  Other drawings came to mind and I explored them.–things I had not thought about.

Questions recurred.  What if this silly geometry book is the only thing I really work on or care about?  Would my life be any different?

Probably not.

Published in: on October 22, 2009 at 5:39 pm  Comments (2)  

Almost at home.

A dark wet chill morning.  A morning made for writing, studying, and reflecting.  I almost feel at home.

Published in: on October 15, 2009 at 8:44 am  Leave a Comment  

A long long time

During the past two weeks I watched the whole of Battlestar Galactica again.  It aroused deep emotions.  For reasons lacking explanation, each episode reminded me what it is like to spend an eternity without V.

Published in: on September 27, 2009 at 9:33 am  Leave a Comment  

Do what you want, but before you start, meditate on whether you can do it

I went to Starbuck’s this morning with a math notebook in hand.  My intent was to work on some elementary notions and results regarding elliptic curves.  As I drank my coffee at the bar and stared out the window running along State Street (and isn’t math  like the rest of life–a lot of staring into space?), I fixed upon the conceptual outline and style of the geometry book I have been writing.  It fits with what I can actually do when writing a geometry book.  Wow, how did I ever come up with that idea!

And with that, I decided what I want to do with a significant portion of the rest of my life.  I’d tell you, but it’s a secret until I actually do some of it.

Published in: on August 27, 2009 at 1:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

I think you’re pretty

No sense in saying more than what can be said.  I’m studying some math theorems again just because I think they’re pretty.  They are like a beloved who steals your heart.  When someone asks you why you are with the beloved all you can think to say is your heart is filled as you contemplate her and feel her splendor.

Published in: on August 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

Destiny and evolution

Whoever they are, we have been playing a long game of chess against each other.  We are at endgame with my four pawns versus his one pawn.  My pawns stretch across the board so that his king cannot possibly defend against me promoting one of them to a queen.  His lone pawn cannot possibly bypass mine for promotion.

I tend not to think about my chess games too much these days.  They happen.  They end as wins, losses, or draws.  However, each game is a unique evolution of calculation, tactics, strategies, applications of rules of thumb, and decisions I cannot fully justify except for admitting time constraints forced a move upon me.  No matter how a game ends, it seems a strange odyssey.

These chess games feel like the evolution of my ideas and the metaphors I use to express and make sense of them.  I am often tempted to do some archaeology on my ideas and arguments, but I never arrive at a feasible endgame that does not require more decisions, thus more pressing concerns.  The present trumps the past.

Desire, fantasy, and calculation compete and create an evolution that feels as though an infinite process occurs even though all too soon the game will be over, rendering archaeology impossible.  Sometimes meaning feels like a road traveled rather than a destination.  Destiny is not a goal but a journey.

Published in: on August 1, 2009 at 10:26 am  Comments (2)  

The future and the exquisite grandness of Internet social networking

I see her in pictures with anther man.  She radiates happiness.  And I am happy for her.

Softly, the summer of 2002 comes to mind and thoughts of one of those other ghosts emerges from the mist we call memory.

The future is easy.  Sometimes, all you have to do is start over.  And this time get it right.

As persons, we are a collection of personae each with its own narrative.  Adding a new one to the mix should be no chore at all.

Published in: on June 30, 2009 at 11:12 am  Leave a Comment  

Baseball, statistics, the Reimann Hypothesis, and random consciousness

I have baseball fever more than usual this spring. Baseball means statistics, especially if you play a lot of fantasy baseball. Statistics means wondering what statistics are significant and which ones are just random noise.

My mind wondered across all that tonight and led me into thinking about the statistical regularity of the distribution of prime numbers, which continued on to the Reimann Hypothesis, for the holy grail with the prime numbers is to find a function that estimates the distribution well.

But that is not the point. Why have I have been thinking about what I have been thinking about today? The previous two days I thought about lost love–something that seems unrelated to the above. What causes these large shifts in the preoccupation of consciousness? How much is causal and how much due to randomness? What will my mind be occupied with tomorrow?

And why do I continue to suffer from this profound sense of melancholy that will not go away?

Published in: on June 1, 2009 at 10:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

Narrating the blog

One of the things I am doing today is creating a narrative that explains my actions and beliefs. I do it each day. The narrative is integral to keeping my sanity. Yet creating this narrative is mundane, for we all do it incessantly as part of our human nature.

Given these ever shifting narratives we make for ourselves, one asks, “where is the border between fact and fiction?” especially on blogs. What I do not say on this blog constitutes fiction as much as fact and reality. I do not want you to know my full story. I want you to fill in the missing pieces. Maybe, you will create something more flattering about me than the reality of the missing pieces.

I have a friend who has asked many times to read my writing. I referred him to this blog. This year he finally read some of it. His comment was that it seemed incoherent and he did not understand what I was talking about. Of course, jumping in at the end of a long narrative that has changed over the many years of writing this blog will seem incoherent. For instance, who would understand my writing about V if they had not read my writing here before I met her?

I am more than condemned to be free (if such I am), I am condemned to narrate regardless of the actual state of my freedom. It comes naturally to me.

Published in: on October 31, 2008 at 11:15 am  Comments (4)