6 PM Amsterdam Time

Another busy day of smoking, drinking, and touring. Golly, I’m stoned. But I leave for Brussels tomorrow, So, I am going to get my last licks in tonight.

I’ve grown quite fond of Amsterdam. However, thIs place would be the death of me if I lived here.

Published in: on September 22, 2008 at 11:12 am  Leave a Comment  

Alive in Amsterdam

After a night of extreme excess in Amsterdam, I wake early not knowing how I returned to the hotel.

Time to prepare for another day of fun.

Published in: on September 20, 2008 at 11:15 pm  Leave a Comment  

Saturday night in Amsterdam

I’m on a combined bar/coffeehouse crawl: a beer, some smoke, etc. Of course, I have been stoned since 6 AM this morning, but I walked and toured a lot today anyway. This probably is the last of my wi-fi connections until I get back to my hotel at which time I’ll probably be too wrecked to say, goodnight.

Published in: on September 20, 2008 at 2:42 pm  Comments (2)  

Saturday morning in Amsterdam. I’ll spend the morning seeing the museums and sights. In the afternoon, I’ll explore the coffeehouses. The days already take on a pattern.

Published in: on September 19, 2008 at 11:27 pm  Comments (2)  

Europe

I am at the Abraxis Coffee House in Amsterdam: stoned. I’m sighning off for now.

Published in: on September 18, 2008 at 1:15 pm  Comments (2)  

Quitting Smoking Live Blogging

Here we go. I just smoked the last cigarette in the pack. I’ve quit for a whole minute and feel fine.

Published in: on June 26, 2008 at 11:12 am  Comments (4)  

Quitting smoking: volume II

I’m well into my smoking routine again. I am going to give quitting another shot today after I finish the pack sitting beside the computer and coffee. It felt really good for a few weeks not being a two pack a day smoker. V was proud of me. That counted for a lot.

If I could smoke in moderation as some people can, I would not think about quitting. My addictions are never in moderation. Naturally, I started smoking again one night when I had been drinking quite heavily. One cigarette always leads to a two pack a day habit with me. I tried to hide it from everyone–an impossible venture.

Today is maybe not the best day to try because I am more melancholy than I have been in many years. Actually, I am seriously depressed. However, I also feel in dire need of regaining some self esteem. Quitting smoking is such a hard motherfucker. If I can do it again, that ought to make a good start with the self esteem I desperately crave.

The one thing about quitting smoking is that the only thing on my mind for about a week are cigarettes. I never thought that would be a good thing, but now it seems a blessing. 🙂

Published in: on June 26, 2008 at 10:00 am  Comments (1)  

Quitting smoking

I’ve smoked a few times since I supposedly “quit.” I want a cigarette right now in the worst way. But I don’t have any. I ain’t going to give in today to smoking though. Nor tomorrow. Nor the days after. That is what I keep telling myself. I just won’t smoke again no matter how weak willed I am. I will do this one thing right from here on out. I simply must.

Published in: on June 23, 2008 at 10:04 am  Leave a Comment  

Loving, smoking, and drinking

V left my place not too long ago to go to work. The grim reality that I will not see her until some time next week settles upon me. Reality sucks.

I wish I had an ashtray with a cigarette burning in it sitting beside me. Any kind of emotional low triggers the craving. Maybe, I am suffering some undetected or unidentified emotional low right now. Would knowing the cause of this craving help me prevent it in the future? I doubt it. My body is a lump of weak flesh. My brain chemistry will have to adjust itself in the basement without conscious help from upstairs.

I left my briefcase at the bar again last night. I will do that once too often and eventually lose it. I hope it isn’t today. I spend too many mornings wondering where I lost things the night before or how I broke something. The drinking life comes with all kinds of costs. Oh well, as I tell my friends at the bar while avoiding talking about my problems: I drink to forget.

Damn, this coffee sure would go well with a cigarette.

Published in: on May 22, 2008 at 9:27 am  Comments (1)  

The cycle: quitting, starting, quitting, …

I crave a cigarette as I write these words. I reach for a cigarette burning in an ashtray that is not there beside the computer. Writing may be as strong a trigger point for my smoking as coffee, beer, and whiskey.

Quitting smoking this time is harder than the other times I have quit. The times I quit before, I did it gradually by cutting back the number of cigarettes I smoked to a few each day. This time I went from two to two and a half packs a day down to zero overnight. I will have an extended time where I have to go through the basic craving stage before my mind forgets about nicotine.

The last three times I have quit smoking, I have had girlfriends who encouraged me to do it. The latest is V. If V told me she did not care to see me anymore, I wonder if I would not start smoking again. That would definitely be a powerful trigger point. If I did start smoking again for that reason, it would definitely show a weakness of character on my part. Can anyone really quit an addiction if they are not strong enough to do it on their own and for themselves as the primary beneficiary?

However, this is all idle speculation at this time. I will not smoke cigarettes again, ever.

Published in: on May 16, 2008 at 9:43 am  Comments (2)  

etc.

I’m doing laundry, etc. Etc. has become important to me lately, but I do not know why. I watch a warm spring shower fall. I want a cigarette because an anxiety I cannot discern agitates me. I take a pill. The pill makes me high. Yesterday, the pill mellowed me. Not today. I am flying. No, I am flying very fast. An endless etc. looms before me.

Published in: on May 7, 2008 at 10:45 am  Leave a Comment  

Quitting

I will admit it. My body chemistry and mental faculties are disarrayed more than usual since I quit smoking, something which is pretty bad given my normal state of disarray. I understand that it will take several months before the rig I call myself returns to something resembling normal.

I am returning to the pills for a few more days. They keep my mood level. I need to feel better than I do now.

Published in: on May 6, 2008 at 11:24 am  Leave a Comment  

Thank you

I am approaching the one week mark since I last smoked a cigarette. Yet as I write this, I find myself still wanting to smoke a cigarette. It is not the physical nicotine withdrawal that causes this since that phase is over with. My blood system eliminated all the nicotine within my body within 72 hours. The brain takes its own sweet time washing cigarettes from its memory.

I have been thinking about why and how I quit smoking. If I did not love V, I would never have attempted to quit the way I did last week. It was more of a wild whim than anything thought through, such as gradually cutting down so the withdrawal would not be as severe as it has been. I am convinced I could not have kept with it during the worst part if V had not been with me when I woke the past five mornings. I also dreaded meeting her in the evenings and having to tell her that I had smoked during the day. Yes, I could not have made it this far without V; in fact, I would not have tried.

In the short amount of time I have known V, she has given me much that adds new meaning to my life. I hope she knows that my quitting smoking this past week is a gift I give to her as much as I give to myself. It has been a way for me to say thank you to her. These days, I would give anything for her love.

Published in: on May 5, 2008 at 11:15 am  Comments (4)  

Quitting smoking VIII

I think I made it. I don’t smoke anymore.

Published in: on May 2, 2008 at 8:19 am  Comments (4)  

Quitting smoking VII

My nicotine craving is taking a rest. It is like a fever breaking when you have a cold. I have a minimum of my mental faculties back. That’s a relief.

I am used to smoking when I write these posts. Not having a pack of cigarettes or an ashtray by the computer seems very odd.

I wish I could kiss V right now. Her kisses are the best I have ever had, and I do mean ever.

Published in: on May 1, 2008 at 11:56 am  Leave a Comment  

Quitting smoking V

Coffee, but no cigarettes this morning. I cannot focus my thoughts for long on anything other than cigarettes. This will be a very long and unpleasant day.

Published in: on April 30, 2008 at 9:38 am  Leave a Comment  

Qitting smoking IV

Did I tell you already? This morning, I found the prescription pills I used the last time I quit smoking. It says, “don’t take these when you are drinking,” on the bottle. Whoever came up with that notion is wrong. You don’t care about anything when you are drinking and taking these pills to excess. Not even smoking.

Now, I remember how I quit smoking the last time.

Published in: on April 29, 2008 at 4:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

Quitting smoking III

Afternoon. I took a nonsmoking pill just before lunch. It keeps my mood elevated, but I can already feel my blood stream eliminating the nicotine from my system, which means I want a fucking cigarette so badly I would almost sell my soul to have one, that is if I had a soul. All I am is a blob of addicted flesh.

I hope you all are having a much better day than me.

Published in: on April 29, 2008 at 12:45 pm  Leave a Comment  

Quitting Smoking II

As I sit here this morning drinking my coffee without a cigarette in hand, I ask myself, what was I thinking? What makes me think I can quit smoking? All I can think about is smoking and the ordeal has barely begun.

Too bad it is too late to go back. Everybody would call me chicken shit if they found out I backslid.

Published in: on April 29, 2008 at 9:45 am  Leave a Comment